Another great blog from my dear friend-the Rookie….
Cancer is an odd, never-ending mix of random and predictable twists and turns. Prescribed treatment protocols versus unknown outcomes. Pile on the ton of emotions hitting you at every turn and, man, these blind curves can absolutely level us. If we’re lucky, we hit a really great milestone, a smooth straight away, where we actually feel some relief and freedom… for a nanosecond.
Have you felt this? Has there been a turn along your journey where cognitively you knew you *should* feel profoundly ecstatic and grateful but the fear and anger of *what if* just wouldn’t go away?
This past Sunday night I took my last dose of Xeloda, the Rx my doc prescribed because I had residual tumor after IV chemo. Get this, he only told me after surgery and radiation, both of which went as textbook perfectly as possible. BAM! Denied parole! What do you mean I have to keep going, stay tethered to a treatment schedule five more months? I EARNED my freedom! That quickly flipped to: Thank you so much for offering me more protection.
Finally, Sunday’s dose represented the last of the last… done with IV chemo, surgery, radiation and oral chemo. I stared at those three pink-ish pills (an ironic color, right?!) as if they were magic beans, a tangible, chemical miracle with the potential to save my life.
Wow. I mean WOW! I vacillated between wanting a drum roll and needing a moment of silence.
And of course I don’t know what’s next. I know I’m beyond grateful for being here. And humbled knowing some of us are in a very different reality and may not experience the relief I felt staring at those pills.
Now comes the waiting game. The cancer returns or it doesn’t. It’s really that simple, that binary. I might be perfectly healthy for the next 30 years or a bad blood test could crush me six weeks from now. That’s a hell of a roulette wheel. A hell of a Big Spin. And please “friends and family,” please don’t remind me that none of us knows what’s next. Those of us in the @LearnLookLocate family know tall too intimately what *could* be next… and that my sisters, is terrifying enough thank you very much.
So I’ll tell you this: While my roulette wheel spins I’m gonna sing, dance, laugh, learn and love as ******* hard as I can. Wish me luck. Wish us all luck ❤🙏