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“I have to accept that what I see in the mirror now is and will remain my new reality.”
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If you google breast reconstruction, you will see photos of very symmetrical, round, shapely “foobs”. Most photos show women with nipples still in tact and scars that are barely visible. That is not my reality, nor will it ever be I’m afraid. I had a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Which is a fallacy as there was nothing immediate about it. During the mastectomy surgery, tissue expanders were inserted under my pectoral muscles. They remained inside me for eight months. Once my initial mastectomy incisions healed, I would visit my reconstructive surgeon every two weeks to have turkey baster sized needles plunged through my chest to fill the expanders with more and more fluid. Once my skin had stretched to the size I wanted, then I underwent surgery to remove the expanders and insert implants. Unfortunately, the first set of implants didn’t fit. They were silicone implants and although they “felt” more like a real breast than a saline implant, they had to be removed. In total, I have had seven surgeries since being diagnosed with breast cancer. With every surgery I’ve added more scars. And with every additional scar, I have moved further and further away from the body that I once knew. I can barely remember what I looked like before breast cancer and that’s probably a good thing as I have to accept that what I see in the mirror now is and will remain my new reality.
I remember when I saw my surgeon after the second set of implants were inserted. He wanted to know if I was happy with how they looked. Happy. That’s relative I guess. Happier than the first set of implants…yes. Happy with what I have….NO. But “they” are definitely better than the first set.
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“People have the strength to overcome their bodies. Their beauty is in their minds.”
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-Peter Gabriel
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“I am a work in progress. I’m not the same person I was before cancer.”
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